Just funny stuff

I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our godamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose.
Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
~Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase)
Vacation

DEEP THOUGHTS I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget it, cause man, they're gone. If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, Can't you make it shoot any farther? No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? you can say, Sorry, got these sacks." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, What was THAT?! To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Banned Childrens Books Dad's New Wife Timothy Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Mommy Drinks Because You Cry Some Kittens Can fly The Tickling Babysitter Babar Meets the Taxidermist Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver You Are Different and That's Bad Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer -- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes! All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched
I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out. ~Billy Madison	You know what I've never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always 'WAAAAAH WAAAAAH' and now it's 'WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO'. Why'd they do that? I mean, did they do some research? Did they find out that WOO-WOO was a more effective siren than WAAAH?" "Hey, and what about those English sirens? 'EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE AAAH'..." ~George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld in 'The Trip'
This guy needs a hobby. Seriously.	Does my ass look big in this?
*I am the law, I am your leader! You will* have fries with that, mother fucker!**	later that same day - You can't just go around waving guns, and threatening people, you know.
I don't fucking believe it.	I got nothin to say..
"Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts." ~Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2	No humping? Ever?
I have really weird friends. His Site	I'm on an insect torture kick these days. A wasp somehow got into the work truck today. He must have been injured since he didn't try to fly away. I held him down with a book and tore his wings and stinger off. I then proceeded to burn his legs with a cigarette. He didn't like that very much at all. I threw him on the floorboard and went to do some work. When I came back he was still alive. I then poked and prodded for a while before getting back to work. This went on for about 3 hours. I finally picked him up and put him on the dashboard. I started sticking him in what I think was his throat...oh what a glorious buzzing sound he emitted. Finally he started to calm down and die....so I chopped off his head with my blockbuster card. ~"The Prophet" webpage rant
Hey hey hey, what's for dinner? Rimmer's dad just died!! Well I'd prefer chicken... ~Red Dwarf
I want to have a baby just so I can use one of these pacifiers.	I know this is in really poor taste. It's still funny.
This is my damn cat.	But there's already a boob in there!
Dateless? Word.	How's my driving? Call 1800-dumbass

30 something WF ISO sensitive man that likes all things fuzzy. I like walks on the beach, Zima and magnets.	Umm, dudes. You're white.
Wonder if he's hot in that sweater.	*Now that does* look like a barrel of fun, doesn't it?**
	Homeless home office. Awesome.
I'll take one, to go..please.	Well, then I'm there.
See, now this is why we don't like to go to the dentist.	I dunno. This is just gross. What's really weird is someone thought she looked good enough at the time that he said "Let me get my camera, honey."

Dude, you're getting a Dell!